“The Trail Name Story” by David Tarasevich

We tried many thing to keep us warm through that night
We filled our nalgenes with hot water, lids tight
Big Boy had sausage we cooked over the fire
We filled up our bellies before we retired

Giggler and Wak a Pak and Crumb Snatcher too
Said ‘Come in our tents, if your fingers turn blue’
With this dire warning, I prepared for the night
As you will soon see, I was not too bright

I tried being so clever that very cold night
I drank all my water, so it won’t turn to ice
Later that evening, this flaw came to me
I woke up with a start, ‘I MUST HAVE TO PEE’

So I put on my coat and I put on my boots
Ran into the woods like some crazy old coot
Zipped down my shorts, opened up to the cold
Took two full minutes, to find my cold pole

Bladder now empty I ran back to my tent
Shivrin’ and shakin’ into it, I went
Boots off and hat on, into bag deep
I shivered some time before I fell asleep

Some hours pass, I wake up with a start
Hoping, No! Praying. It’s only a fart
But after some minutes, I know I can’t win
My worst fears are true, ‘I HAVE TO PEE ONCE AGAIN!’

It should be a crime, it should be a sin
On such a cold night, to have to pee yet again
I dressed up real warmly, headed out to the cold
This time, four minutes!, to find my cold pole

I finished my business, ran out from the cold
and awaited my fate, as night slowly grew old
I thought of news stories, of a terrible thing
“Thru hiker, ME!, found frozen”, and on the first day of spring

So I went to my neighbors, Giggler and Wak,
And knock on the door of their cozy warm tent
I said I was so cold I might come to my end
They opened their tent door and said, ‘Come in cold friend’

They made me a place, inside of their tent
But I still shivered and shaked, my warmth was all spent
Then Giggler pulled out this big silvery thing
He opened it up and he shoved me right in

I blurted out words that could do no great harm,
“I look like a Pop Tart, and I’m toasty and warm”
Across Wak a Pak’s face grew this most devilish grin
She said, ‘How you doing, “Pop Tart”, we’re glad you came in’

Pop Tart, ol’ Pop Tart, that’s a silly trail name
But, now that I own it, I ain’t quite the same
Later that same day Giggler said “Here’s a thought,
Pop Tart goes in cold, but he comes out real hot”